succubusblue

Fuck this new job.

2 more days and we will be setting off on our cruise, i can hardly wait. I do feel like i'm going to forget something because i'm not as organized as i normally am for trips. I still don't have lip gloss, sunglasses or nail polish or a nice sweater in case it gets cold. I'm going to take an old sweater but will probably count on stealing my boyfriend's jacket most the time. He hardly gets cold anyways.

Today was our anniversary good sex is always good sex. We might not have sex as often as we used to but it seems like we are both a lot more excited about it, so i hope we don't ever get used to doing it less often.

Next week i go on a cruise for 5 days and after that I start up my new job at the animal shelter. It'll be good to have a larger income but i will once again be working full time. Having benefits again will be nice, i can go in and get my teeth clean and my birth control will be so much cheaper. I will miss the bar, and the people at it. I don't foresee myself hanging out there much once i don't work there so i think there will be a lot of people that i won't get to see again. I'm not going to miss getting ogled by assholes or hit on by idiots though and i'm sure my boyfriend will be happier that i don't work there. Funny, in my opinion at his last job he worked with more whores than my work ever will have.
I had some young kids I hadn't seem before come in for awhile this afternoon. I pointed one of the guys to the karaoke girl because she's single right off the bat. The other guy came back up and was trying to get me to fix a drink i made for the girl they were with. He was a pretty good looking guy and tried to pull a line on me by saying "Arn't I cute? Come on i'm cute enough that you'll give me a break right?" Maybe i'll miss the getting hit on a bit, because I get a sick enjoyment out of shutting people down. I told him "No, you're not that cute" and he looked really put off, I'm sure that line had worked before. I wish it had dawned on me to tell him he didn't hold a candle to my boyfriend, would have added a little more to the burn.
It just makes me think, how many people when approached and hit on by an attractive person just flat out ignore it. I've seen so many people avoid mentioning that they have significant others, even referring to them as "friends" in stories about their recent exploits (I went to see this movie with a friend..). They lead the person on and are receptive to their flirting, not even thinking what the hell are they doing? It's like the first baby step towards cheating, it certainly isn't loyal or fair to either your significant other or the person hitting on you. If i want to flirt i'll go hit on my boyfriend, i know he enjoys that. I guess it just boils down to the fact that maybe i just have more class than more people or i'm just too loyal. I don't need to waste my time when i know i have something better waiting for me. I like people to know that i'm happy in a relationship and will bring it up right away if i have to to discourage people. I have no reason to be shopping around for men. If they want to talk to me friendly afterwards that's cool and most guys back off, but if they keep hitting on me after they know i have a boyfriend they are going to get the bitchy side of me. People who pursue people already in relationships are tacky and have no respect, chances if they are ok with you cheating on your significant other they will be ok with cheating on you.

Oh and i cut myself with the lemon knife today. If it was any sharper it would have been a really nasty cut through part of my nail, but thankfully it only put a scratch in my nail and a moderately deep cut on the side of my finger. It's not fun though.

What do you tell someone who lies and is deceitful that is its their fault if people have a hard time believing what they say? Maybe they don't realize trust is rebuilt overnight, maybe they don't realize how lucky they are to be given another chance.

People really have no respect for relationships these days. I would never presume to hit on anyone who had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I don't know what it is lately but the bad points of my job have really been getting to me. I can't stand being leered at by gross drunk men. It's disgusting and annoying. If i was a stripper or otherwise soliciting that kind of attention it wouldn't bug me, but i'm just trying to do my job. These four mexican guys that don't speak a lick of english that keep coming in and sitting in the center of the bar. They leer and are gross and try to talk to me. They have asked every time they come in if i have a boyfriend or if i'm married. I always repeat myself over and over until i blow them off and go talk to some of my old male friends. One even had the balls last saturday to try and ask if I was faithful to my boyfriend. What kind of insult is that, what kind of question is that. I yelled at him of course i'm fucking faithful. God more faithful that any other woman i've met. Those assholes would not interest me ever under any circumstance.
I felt bad this week because my co-worker broke up with her boyfirend (again) and some guy she's had the hots for came in and hung out all night. But then he asked ME out to dinner instead of her. Gee i guess i could use the "just friends" excuse that my boyfriend uses to go out with other chicks, or keep it secret from him because you know "i'm not doing anything wrong, just going out with a friend." Of course i said no, and told him i had a boyfriend and he wouldn't be comfortable with that. I would not risk showing him his own hypocrisy, it's not worth losing him over. Anyways, if i had to keep it secret from him, i shouldn't be doing it in the first place. I couldn't bare to lie to him about something like that anyways, likewise why lead on some moron to think he's go a chance with me when he doesn't? I don't keep backup boyfriends, it's way too much work and way too much drama. Plus it feels like cheating on the person i'm with.

Are still technically lies. I guess saying everything is fine, when it's not is technically a lie too, so i suppose i do lie to him.

I never seem to be able to get the true full story from him. He always seems to barely give me what i want, leaving me still wondering with questions, that if i start asking and bringing up again he'll just get annoyed that i re-visited the subject. Well i asked him what he was hiding and why he was acting so odd. Last time my intuition was right and the girl I didn't like sent him a picture of her cleavage to his phone. He admitted that he got an email from the little whore that was trying to get with him last time we broke it off. He claimed she hadn't been calling him, but backtracked when he said that she had his number or could've gotten it from someone they used to work with. Then how did she get his email, and why should he even bother looking at an email from her. I feel like i've gotten a half truth. He said that he told her he couldn't talk to her because he knew it'd upset me greatly. He is right, if i thought for a second he was talking to her regularly I wouldn't stick around, it would kill me. I don't know what to believe anymore, if he truly turned her away or what. He promised once that he wouldn't talk to his ex or call or whatnot but he seem to have forgotten a few months later when she was apparently checking up on him. It actually stopped bothering me though, because after a long talk about why she bothered me with him i stopped feeling threatened by her. As far as i know she probably still checks up on him, but it doesn't bother me anymore because I know for a fact by the way she used to treat him, i'm 100x the woman she will ever be (unless you're talking about size then i fall behind) and i shouldn't worry about him going back.

Twice now during the same time of year he's broken it off. Last time it was right after our anniversary, and it was about him basically in so many words wanted to sow his wild oats. that's when he had the same backup girl that has recently emailed him apparently. He claims he didn't have a backup-girlfriend but then again she was ready and available when he thought we broke up wasn't she. Funny that a "friend" of his could hardly be mentioned to me or introduced to me. Those forgot-to-mention friends often act hostile or give me nasty looks, like a few (some were very friendly and nice, like weird opposites) of the girls he used to work with did when i went in. The other bartender was a particular bitch, but i got the impression she was like that to everyone. I can't stand men or women who pursue people that obviously are taken, people like that just encourage infidelity and probably wont respect even their own relationships if they can't respect others.

Kind of off subject, but i went into togos monday and there was this chick with dyed black hair (you know the kind that looks really fake) giving me some burning looks like i pissed in her cornflakes or something. It finally dawned on me where i had seen her before, i think she used to work were my boyfriend used to work. I don't think i've ever talked to her or anything, but maybe I strangled her parakeet in a past life or something because she just seemed hostile. Man and i'm nice to everyone, at least until you hit on me at the bar then you just get icy looks. I'm so glad some young guy made our sandwiches, no rat poison on mine thank you very much! Then again some women are just naturally hostile.

I don't know what to do about my repressed fears, especially having them rise up again. Am I always going to be paranoid? The old saying goes fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, but I've been hurt at least three times now. At least the first time there wasn't another chick. I feel bad for being paranoid. Even when i was perfectly happy and wasn't worried about anything i'd still have dreams about him leaving me. Sure they have come and gone. My brain seems to latch on to any little thing and blow it up. Maybe subconsciously i just don't want to be vulnerable again, i want to know it's coming if it is. But i don't want to think something like that is coming again, and i don't want to think like that. I don't want to bottle it up, but i think it'd be rather rude to ask every time i feel insecure "excuse me but are you going to leave me?" or "Do you have another girl you're seeing."

He knows somethings wrong i'm sure, but it just seems to make him want to cover up whatever he's doing even more. Obviously he's figured what he is doing hurts me, and hurts our relationship. Last night he actually mentioned moving in together, normally him talking about the future whatsoever would make me overly happy, but it just killed me inside. He can't even commit to being honest with me. I also mentioned the fake wedding ring i am going to by for work, he said all i'd have to do is ask for one. That's really not the point, supposed to be a sign of commitment, and wanting a future with me, not a just a stamp of "don't' hit on her." I suppose i could just get a can of mace, but i doubt the owner would like me pepper spraying the customers just because they leer at me.
The constant feeling of puking has made it difficult to eat, i ate a few bites of soup last night because he was around but it ended up making me kind of sick. I suppose today i'll force myself to drink some powdered vitamins. I couldn't sleep last night so when i finally turned the light off I just watch him sleep and wonder who, if not me he was dreaming about. All i dream about when i sleep is him leaving me for another woman. It's been like that awhile now. I tell him a lot about my dreams when he's in them, he seems to like it. I always omit the parts where he ditches me for a date with another girl or kicks me out of his house so he can make out with someone else. They were started to get better, less of the fear of him leaving me was arising last month but as of last week they've come back full force in a flood. Who needs sleep anyways. Wonder if he dreams of whomever's phone calls he's hiding.

I fell like puking all the time, and i woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep so i'm exhausted. You know when you're mind is thinking so loud you can't go back to sleep. I doubt he's going to fess up to his little secret he's keeping from me on his own, but i'm still not going to say anything yet. He knows he's deliberately hurting me and our relationship, and will probably cover up his lies with more lies if i try to confront him. I hope whomever the little cunt is that is calling him and texting him is worth losing me over.

I think i have it figured out now. I'm not stupid and i can tell when i'm being lied to, especially by him. It kills me that he would do something like this to me.

I hate my new layout, i wish i had the old one i made back. Bleh, i guess this will do until i get around to fixing it. I'm really not a tombstones under the tree kind of girl, a little too goth or emo for me.