succubusblue

Fuck this new job.

2 more days and we will be setting off on our cruise, i can hardly wait. I do feel like i'm going to forget something because i'm not as organized as i normally am for trips. I still don't have lip gloss, sunglasses or nail polish or a nice sweater in case it gets cold. I'm going to take an old sweater but will probably count on stealing my boyfriend's jacket most the time. He hardly gets cold anyways.

Today was our anniversary good sex is always good sex. We might not have sex as often as we used to but it seems like we are both a lot more excited about it, so i hope we don't ever get used to doing it less often.

Next week i go on a cruise for 5 days and after that I start up my new job at the animal shelter. It'll be good to have a larger income but i will once again be working full time. Having benefits again will be nice, i can go in and get my teeth clean and my birth control will be so much cheaper. I will miss the bar, and the people at it. I don't foresee myself hanging out there much once i don't work there so i think there will be a lot of people that i won't get to see again. I'm not going to miss getting ogled by assholes or hit on by idiots though and i'm sure my boyfriend will be happier that i don't work there. Funny, in my opinion at his last job he worked with more whores than my work ever will have.
I had some young kids I hadn't seem before come in for awhile this afternoon. I pointed one of the guys to the karaoke girl because she's single right off the bat. The other guy came back up and was trying to get me to fix a drink i made for the girl they were with. He was a pretty good looking guy and tried to pull a line on me by saying "Arn't I cute? Come on i'm cute enough that you'll give me a break right?" Maybe i'll miss the getting hit on a bit, because I get a sick enjoyment out of shutting people down. I told him "No, you're not that cute" and he looked really put off, I'm sure that line had worked before. I wish it had dawned on me to tell him he didn't hold a candle to my boyfriend, would have added a little more to the burn.
It just makes me think, how many people when approached and hit on by an attractive person just flat out ignore it. I've seen so many people avoid mentioning that they have significant others, even referring to them as "friends" in stories about their recent exploits (I went to see this movie with a friend..). They lead the person on and are receptive to their flirting, not even thinking what the hell are they doing? It's like the first baby step towards cheating, it certainly isn't loyal or fair to either your significant other or the person hitting on you. If i want to flirt i'll go hit on my boyfriend, i know he enjoys that. I guess it just boils down to the fact that maybe i just have more class than more people or i'm just too loyal. I don't need to waste my time when i know i have something better waiting for me. I like people to know that i'm happy in a relationship and will bring it up right away if i have to to discourage people. I have no reason to be shopping around for men. If they want to talk to me friendly afterwards that's cool and most guys back off, but if they keep hitting on me after they know i have a boyfriend they are going to get the bitchy side of me. People who pursue people already in relationships are tacky and have no respect, chances if they are ok with you cheating on your significant other they will be ok with cheating on you.

Oh and i cut myself with the lemon knife today. If it was any sharper it would have been a really nasty cut through part of my nail, but thankfully it only put a scratch in my nail and a moderately deep cut on the side of my finger. It's not fun though.

What do you tell someone who lies and is deceitful that is its their fault if people have a hard time believing what they say? Maybe they don't realize trust is rebuilt overnight, maybe they don't realize how lucky they are to be given another chance.

People really have no respect for relationships these days. I would never presume to hit on anyone who had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I don't know what it is lately but the bad points of my job have really been getting to me. I can't stand being leered at by gross drunk men. It's disgusting and annoying. If i was a stripper or otherwise soliciting that kind of attention it wouldn't bug me, but i'm just trying to do my job. These four mexican guys that don't speak a lick of english that keep coming in and sitting in the center of the bar. They leer and are gross and try to talk to me. They have asked every time they come in if i have a boyfriend or if i'm married. I always repeat myself over and over until i blow them off and go talk to some of my old male friends. One even had the balls last saturday to try and ask if I was faithful to my boyfriend. What kind of insult is that, what kind of question is that. I yelled at him of course i'm fucking faithful. God more faithful that any other woman i've met. Those assholes would not interest me ever under any circumstance.
I felt bad this week because my co-worker broke up with her boyfirend (again) and some guy she's had the hots for came in and hung out all night. But then he asked ME out to dinner instead of her. Gee i guess i could use the "just friends" excuse that my boyfriend uses to go out with other chicks, or keep it secret from him because you know "i'm not doing anything wrong, just going out with a friend." Of course i said no, and told him i had a boyfriend and he wouldn't be comfortable with that. I would not risk showing him his own hypocrisy, it's not worth losing him over. Anyways, if i had to keep it secret from him, i shouldn't be doing it in the first place. I couldn't bare to lie to him about something like that anyways, likewise why lead on some moron to think he's go a chance with me when he doesn't? I don't keep backup boyfriends, it's way too much work and way too much drama. Plus it feels like cheating on the person i'm with.

Are still technically lies. I guess saying everything is fine, when it's not is technically a lie too, so i suppose i do lie to him.

I never seem to be able to get the true full story from him. He always seems to barely give me what i want, leaving me still wondering with questions, that if i start asking and bringing up again he'll just get annoyed that i re-visited the subject. Well i asked him what he was hiding and why he was acting so odd. Last time my intuition was right and the girl I didn't like sent him a picture of her cleavage to his phone. He admitted that he got an email from the little whore that was trying to get with him last time we broke it off. He claimed she hadn't been calling him, but backtracked when he said that she had his number or could've gotten it from someone they used to work with. Then how did she get his email, and why should he even bother looking at an email from her. I feel like i've gotten a half truth. He said that he told her he couldn't talk to her because he knew it'd upset me greatly. He is right, if i thought for a second he was talking to her regularly I wouldn't stick around, it would kill me. I don't know what to believe anymore, if he truly turned her away or what. He promised once that he wouldn't talk to his ex or call or whatnot but he seem to have forgotten a few months later when she was apparently checking up on him. It actually stopped bothering me though, because after a long talk about why she bothered me with him i stopped feeling threatened by her. As far as i know she probably still checks up on him, but it doesn't bother me anymore because I know for a fact by the way she used to treat him, i'm 100x the woman she will ever be (unless you're talking about size then i fall behind) and i shouldn't worry about him going back.

Twice now during the same time of year he's broken it off. Last time it was right after our anniversary, and it was about him basically in so many words wanted to sow his wild oats. that's when he had the same backup girl that has recently emailed him apparently. He claims he didn't have a backup-girlfriend but then again she was ready and available when he thought we broke up wasn't she. Funny that a "friend" of his could hardly be mentioned to me or introduced to me. Those forgot-to-mention friends often act hostile or give me nasty looks, like a few (some were very friendly and nice, like weird opposites) of the girls he used to work with did when i went in. The other bartender was a particular bitch, but i got the impression she was like that to everyone. I can't stand men or women who pursue people that obviously are taken, people like that just encourage infidelity and probably wont respect even their own relationships if they can't respect others.

Kind of off subject, but i went into togos monday and there was this chick with dyed black hair (you know the kind that looks really fake) giving me some burning looks like i pissed in her cornflakes or something. It finally dawned on me where i had seen her before, i think she used to work were my boyfriend used to work. I don't think i've ever talked to her or anything, but maybe I strangled her parakeet in a past life or something because she just seemed hostile. Man and i'm nice to everyone, at least until you hit on me at the bar then you just get icy looks. I'm so glad some young guy made our sandwiches, no rat poison on mine thank you very much! Then again some women are just naturally hostile.

I don't know what to do about my repressed fears, especially having them rise up again. Am I always going to be paranoid? The old saying goes fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, but I've been hurt at least three times now. At least the first time there wasn't another chick. I feel bad for being paranoid. Even when i was perfectly happy and wasn't worried about anything i'd still have dreams about him leaving me. Sure they have come and gone. My brain seems to latch on to any little thing and blow it up. Maybe subconsciously i just don't want to be vulnerable again, i want to know it's coming if it is. But i don't want to think something like that is coming again, and i don't want to think like that. I don't want to bottle it up, but i think it'd be rather rude to ask every time i feel insecure "excuse me but are you going to leave me?" or "Do you have another girl you're seeing."

He knows somethings wrong i'm sure, but it just seems to make him want to cover up whatever he's doing even more. Obviously he's figured what he is doing hurts me, and hurts our relationship. Last night he actually mentioned moving in together, normally him talking about the future whatsoever would make me overly happy, but it just killed me inside. He can't even commit to being honest with me. I also mentioned the fake wedding ring i am going to by for work, he said all i'd have to do is ask for one. That's really not the point, supposed to be a sign of commitment, and wanting a future with me, not a just a stamp of "don't' hit on her." I suppose i could just get a can of mace, but i doubt the owner would like me pepper spraying the customers just because they leer at me.
The constant feeling of puking has made it difficult to eat, i ate a few bites of soup last night because he was around but it ended up making me kind of sick. I suppose today i'll force myself to drink some powdered vitamins. I couldn't sleep last night so when i finally turned the light off I just watch him sleep and wonder who, if not me he was dreaming about. All i dream about when i sleep is him leaving me for another woman. It's been like that awhile now. I tell him a lot about my dreams when he's in them, he seems to like it. I always omit the parts where he ditches me for a date with another girl or kicks me out of his house so he can make out with someone else. They were started to get better, less of the fear of him leaving me was arising last month but as of last week they've come back full force in a flood. Who needs sleep anyways. Wonder if he dreams of whomever's phone calls he's hiding.

I fell like puking all the time, and i woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep so i'm exhausted. You know when you're mind is thinking so loud you can't go back to sleep. I doubt he's going to fess up to his little secret he's keeping from me on his own, but i'm still not going to say anything yet. He knows he's deliberately hurting me and our relationship, and will probably cover up his lies with more lies if i try to confront him. I hope whomever the little cunt is that is calling him and texting him is worth losing me over.

I think i have it figured out now. I'm not stupid and i can tell when i'm being lied to, especially by him. It kills me that he would do something like this to me.

I hate my new layout, i wish i had the old one i made back. Bleh, i guess this will do until i get around to fixing it. I'm really not a tombstones under the tree kind of girl, a little too goth or emo for me.

I applied for a day job. I think it'd make my boyfriend happy, at least happy when i'm not working at the bar anyways. Now that he has a normal job (recently got a day job himself) I figured i might see him at work at least on occasion. I doubt it, but then again i like the fact that he isn't the kind of guy that spends all their time at bars.

I'm starting to have nightmares on and off again too. I think it's because fall is coming up and so is our two year anniversary. I have this funny feeling he's keeping secrets from me again. When will he learn that if he has to keep it a secret, it's because he's feeling guilty and he shouldn't be doing whatever he is doing in the first place. At lot of the times i have caught him lying they are for stupid reasons. I wonder why he thinks it's ok to lie to me, i don't lie to him, i don't have and secrets i keep from him, or feel to need to keep from him. I don't do anything that i know he'd be upset about, because for the most part those kinds of things i know i shouldn't be doing in the first place. Like having long conversations with exes or guys that want to try and date me. I guess i've just gotten used to not flirting at all and turning down people from being at the bar all the time. I have better things to put my energy into. It might be a cheap thrill to be hit on or flirt but it is still just a cheap thrill and nothing compared to a real relationship. I'm wondering if this chick that sent him a picture of her cleavage is talking to him again, trying to hang out. I doubt it's his ex calling him again, i think she finally got discourage and got on with her life. Maybe the chick that he worked with and went to all the parties with when we weren't doing so well has contacted him again, but i thought he said she left town. Maybe it's a new chick showing up. It's always seems to be another woman with him every time there is a problem. He doesn't know he can't, and wont ever do any better than me. He even said the other day that i have never given him anything to be angry about. We have our arguments and our moments but i doubt he could ever ask for a more loyal and loving woman. And forgiving.
Either way, if he keeps showing me that he can't be trusted I don't know what I'm going to do.

At least there is a job fair going on next week. I seem to be able to get jobs easier from actually meeting the people involved in hiring. I guess i look better in person than on paper. I'm sure i'll find something to do for now.

There is a thunder and lightning storm going on today. It makes me miss texas just a little bit.

I had a dream last night that both my boyfriend, my family and some faceless friend told me i was losing my spark. I don't know what that is, but i wonder if i'm becoming boring. I did dream about working at the animal shelter again too, that was nice.

I think I had a mini breakdown the other day. I really need to get things going in my life.

Turns out sacramento has a lot of dog/animal jobs open that pay well. Enough to afford to live with a room mate. I also looked at housing prices, craigslist had a decent amount of houses for rent that allowed dogs.

I also took a career test today. It told me to be a teacher or a baker. Kind of weird, but it was a long test.

I think i'm in a rut. I'm not doing anything really. I work two days a week and that is about it. I got fed up with the guys in our gaming group being jerks so i stopped going. Hell i didn't even enroll in classes this semester. I tried getting a second job doing something that'd interest me but that fell short. I'm not sure what else i can do and actually make money. I have an associates degree now but so what, big deal. it doesn't get you jobs.

Crazy and I are going out of town next week, just for one night so we can have some privacy for valentines day. But i don't know how much i'm going to be into it now. Maybe i just have more of a sexy drive then him. I feel like i'm always the one initiating sex or calling for booty calls. I can't seen to get back into a workout routine so i don't feel as good about my body. I haven't even bought lingerie

I've also been having bad dreams again. Not that they've ever really gone back to what they once were.

Crazy keeps talking about how he's going to get this job with the DMV hopefully and move out. On one hand i'm happy he's going to finally be able to move out but on the other hand it makes me sad because it feels like it's a step farther away from me.

I don't know. I have to be up early. I think i'll just go lay down and cry a bit.

My dad decided to switch to dialup a few weeks ago and not inform me, so i've been without internet for awhile. I don't even have an old dialup modem! Luckily i got the DSL wifi back finally, just in time for the WoW expansion. Not that it's really the same, i'm kind of getting bored with it, at least with my shaman.

I'm trying to find a new job, actually a second job. I've almost been back for two years and what do i have to show for it. Ok, i guess my associates degree but i still need to apply for that. I didn't sign up for any classes this semester, just too discouraged and i don't want to go.

My girlfriend just moved in with her boyfriend. It's nice she is finally out of the crappy place she was in before. I guess they are planning to get an apartment for just the two of them in a month or so. I'm very jealous. The guy might be kind of a douche but at least he was excited to move in and commit to her. She tolerates a lot of stuff from him, things i probably would have ditched him because of. He was even doing things like emailing his ex telling her he was still in love with her etc etc. I'm sure she is in love with him and that's what count though, right. Yup, but he wants to live with her. And when she found out about his ex, he blocked her email, deleted her from his phone book and promised never to talk to her again. Much more than my boyfriend would do, hell he promised me a year ago he'd stop talking to his ex but she still calls and emails, then he lied about it. Guess i love him too, and can't blame my friend for the things she does because i do them too for the sake of it.

Still, Crazy does a lot of great stuff for me and is incredibly thoughtful. I came down with the stomach flu, a really bad one last week and he made sure to take care of me. There really wasn't much he could do but watch me puke all night and bring me water and towels, but he did stop by my house a few times the next day before and after work to make me soup and check up on me. I can't even express how horrible it was, i was to the point where my stomach was empty and i didn't have anything to puke up but was still trying.

Anyways, of the choice between a considerate guy that thinks of me and puts others before himself but has commitment issues, and a jerk that is selfish, inconsiderate but wants to settle down... I'm much much happier with what i have. You can't change someone who is selfish, but i can at least hope that someday Crazy will realize that someday living with me or whatever isn't going to keep him from experiencing life or make him miss whatever he thinks he's going to miss. I don't know how living with his ex must have been, but it must have sucked pretty hard because all the exes i have lived with i never once thought it'd be better to be on my own (at least until we broke up and i hope that doesn't happen).


Grr. I want a new job, and i want to move. I want to get away from here, he wants to get away from here. Why the hell can't we do it together?

Christmas was good, it went well. Got to see family and all that, got to decorate the house and eat christmas sweets. Crazy gave me a locket and apair of diamond earrings, I was very excited. No one gives my jewelry, at least no boyfriends do. Maybe i'm not that girly or maybe they think i wont like it. The earrings kind of backfired in bed last night, Crazy often tenses up when he is finishing and well he kind if smashed my head between his shoulder and neck and my earrings dug right into my head. Not much i could do, but it was really painful. Sometimes they poke me a bit because it's not the first time he's squeezed hard but it's not like it's really hurt before and i usually just move my head. At least he came without knowing =) I did tell him after, at least so he'd know not to squish my head too much and maybe from now on i'll take out my pointy earrings.

My birthday was a bit boring, but when isn't it? I'm hoping to get drunk on news years to make up for it. Then, i don't know... another year I guess. I'm getting tired of living at home but it's not like i can afford to move out on my pay. Whats the point anyways. When i move i'd love to move out of this city but i don't know if i can do that on my own. My idea was when i move out of this town it'd be with crazy. I hope he gets this job he's been trying to get at the DMV, then he'd be able to move out with his friend like he wants to. I hope it's local, then maybe be able to transfer after awhile. His friend that he wants to move in with is nice, glad it's one of the few that actually doesn't have isses with me because of idiotic high school drama. At least it's someone i know i can call up and tell to get crazy out of the house while i can set up something for him like dinner, or naked movies, or both. =)

I don't want to go to college anymore, I got my associates and now it's just.. well... awhile ago i thought i'd be further in life than I am now. I'd rather get on with it and get a good stable job that i can start living off of. I guess it's not so bad but i'll be complaining a lot more when i hit 25. So much for having kids before 30! (but not this young mind you)

Not even wow entertains me. The BF is off at his friends, probablly drinking with his friends that love to talk shit about me.

I'm glad christmas time is my favorite time of year. Life is better when you are happy than when you are not.

I really confused all the guys at game tonight, just because of the subject and what was happeneing to my character. I kept fighting mental battles to myself about how stupid it was for me to feel weird about something that was happening IN GAME, but still. Basically, the character i have is a noble that was sheltered. My hack at a generally "good" character, even if she can be selfish. Anyways, basically she got put in a situation where she was basically being cojoled into having sex, and being Exaulted the GM was using social combat and really pissing me off because he wasn't giving me time to think and forcing me to drain all my willpower. Basically it seemed as if he was going to make my character get raped and it really rubed me the wrong way. It's one thing when i play slutty characters a lot, but i obviously didn't want it to happen to this character and i was getting too upset and pissed off to really think of anything. It's a game, but it kind of hit close to home.

I took my dog to the vet and he made a complate ass of himself. It seems to get worse, the more he succeeds at scaring people off by growling and snapping the more he does it. I'm afraid that he'll eventually try to do it when we're not at the vet. I know he wont ever do it to me because he knows it wont work. I'd let him bite me and then bite back and he knows i don't take any crap from him. Still he is a big dog and he's using that to intimidate people and control them. I always say that if i wasn't his owner he would be a really shitty boy.
I'm not sure if there really is much to do about it really I could start a rigoroous training program that entails taking him to the vet 4-5 times a week just to have people pet him and work up from there. It'd take a long time. What he needs is a really big nasty vet that is going to continue to work even after he is a shit head and tell him no. Thing with my dog is, the more he pulls his foot or head or whatever away, the more you hold on and eventually you win the battle of wills and it's over.
I'm not like regular owners that'll make excuses. He's a shithead, and it's partially from things that had happened in his past as well as him getting away with things now. But i can't help it if the vet and techs behave in the worst way when he growls and gets nasty. He just gets to wear his muzzle when he goes from now on and might hae to be sedated.

Funny thing is, i did all the work today. I gave him his vaccination, i swabbed his ears and i was about to take his temperature too. Maybe she should have paid me?